PLANNING to buy cool stuff in a fit of enthusiasm for the hot weather? Definitely purchase these items too expensive to get rid of when the weather turns shit again in a few days’ time.
Dyson fan
Expensive, but you’re blown away, so to speak, by the lack of fan blades. That’s until you discover they just suck in air through tiny holes and blow it out through a slit, rather than firing air molecules out using magnetic ion propulsion or something. F**k you, Dyson. You’d expected a particle accelerator for 300 quid.
Swimming pool
£100 is the bare minimum for one that isn’t basically a big beaker of water, and it will still be too small to do anything resembling swimming unless you’re four or Tyrion Lannister. Can your neighbours be persuaded to do some swinging as if it’s a hot tub to justify the expense? Only ones that are unhealthily obsessed with sex, and you’re not sure you want to befriend people who are up for a less glamorous version of dogging.
Ice dispenser fridge
Handy, but how often do you need ice in your drink during the rest of the year? The only way to not feel you’ve frittered your cash on a new Smeg is to start drinking a lot of cocktails. Put down those Capri-Suns, kids, you’re having an Old Fashioned!
Air conditioning
Central air conditioning is a proper status symbol that makes you look trendy and pleasingly American. As a bonus it’s nice in hot weather. The downside is you’ll feel like a twat for blowing 15 grand on it during the 355 days of the year when it’s totally unnecessary. To get some use out of it you’ll have to turn it on whenever you’ve set the central heating too high this winter, even though that is basically murdering the planet.
Air conditioning, standalone unit
Much cheaper but still not cheap and completely lacking the cachet of the aforementioned duct version. About as impressive as inviting people round to cool down then making them stand in front of the fridge with the door open.
High-end barbecue
A decent gas barbecue can easily cost £500 or several thousands, which is a lot for the small number of days when it’s warm, not raining and you’re not at work. Also it puts inordinate pressure on you to invite people round, and you’ll quickly realise your hybrid dual-fuel barbecue with rotisserie and searing feature is of far superior quality than your f**king dullard friends.
Giant Connect 4, and similar
You’re going to be out in the garden all the time now, playing oversized Connect 4, KerPlunk and noughts and crosses, right? Two days later you’re sick of having to stand up to play and wondering what sort of moron plays noughts and crosses for any length of time. Frankly you’re relieved when it pisses with rain and they can be put away forever like your other board games, only taking up 50 times more space.
