HORNY in extreme heat? Drawn to rubbing one out despite the risks? Take these precautions to avoid scandalous fatality:
Stick to cool, shaded places
Even if your kink is a hand shandy next to an open oven or in a greenhouse, exercise some restraint until the cooler months. Instead head to the refreshing seclusion of a motorway underpass or a supermarket’s walk-in freezer for personal relief. Nobody will be disgusted or call the police because you’re simply looking after your health.
Wear loose-fitting clothing
Not only will loose-fitting cotton shorts keep you cool, they also provide easy access to your genitals. Strenuous physical exercise is best avoided in this heat, so working up a sweat clumsily fumbling with the buttons of your jeans could leave you too tired to crack off. Avoid slipping into one of your many tight-fitting latex gimp suits at all costs.
Don’t use sun cream as lube
Slathering on factor 30 is crucial in a heatwave – but not when lubricating your private areas. While it may protect your reproductive organs from sun damage, the chemicals and minerals will likely cause irritation if they get into your holes and creases. Nor do you want unsightly hand-shaped tan lines on your knob or fanny.
Watch appropriate adult content
Masturbation is a mental activity as much as a physical one. So steer clear of videos like ‘Scorching hot bitches use chilis as dildos in a volcano’. Instead, seek out clips where a slutty Inuit secretary will do anything to please her boss, or Nordic women suck off ice-cream delivery boys. They may sound niche but they’re out there.
Ask a friend to supervise
Heat stroke is a serious risk when wanking in 35 degree temperatures, and if paramedics find you passed out with one hand on your dick they will be straight on social media. Employing a buddy system will avoid this unfortunate outcome and they could even cheer you on. Either that or they’ll request you never contact them again.
