Five ways to stop climate change if they weren't such a pain in the arse

WITH catastrophic climate change on its way, responsible people like you need to act fast. Here’s what you’d definitely be doing if it wasn’t too much hassle.

Eat less meat

Sure! But what? Jackfruit? You’re taking the piss at a tenner a go. Quorn? Their pretend mince tastes like fried string. Come on, Science, you’re the one telling us about climate change so make us a vegetable that tastes exactly like crispy fried pig.

Drive your car a bit less

Sounds doable, but when the time comes to walk to the bottle bank or local shop you suddenly remember a couple of bags of wine and potato waffles can be really quite heavy. Also isn’t not using the big metal 4×4 in your drive a waste of the earth’s resources too?

Ride a bike

Healthy and green. However widespread environmental destruction may be a small price to pay for avoiding the humiliation of wearing bicycle clips. Also carries the equally terrifying risks of being run over or turning into a hardcore cycling bore.

Recycle your plastic bags

Yeah, totally. Those poor whales and turtles. On the other hand all those free carrier bags irresponsible corner shops give you mean you haven’t had to buy a roll of bin bags since 2006. Truly a difficult ethical decision.

Stop food waste

Composting is a good idea, but you wouldn’t want to do it wrong and give everyone bubonic plague from rats. Alternatively you could recover slightly out-of-date food by rooting around in supermarket bins. But frankly just ‘no’.

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Britain's expectant mums wishing she'd chosen something a bit less daft

EXPECTANT mothers who will now have to name their children Archie or Harrison are wishing Meghan had chosen something more normal.

Pregnant women recognise they have no option but to name their own children after the royal baby, but have admitted they were hoping for names that would not attract ridicule.

Joanna Kramer of Crewe said: “There’s a Harrison on our street. He siphons petrol from cars to make Molotov cocktails which he throws at trains. So I’m not delighted.

“The alternative is Archie which everyone knows is really the very dated name Archibald. So it looks like my child is going to grow up sounding like a pensioner on his way to bingo.

Eight-months-pregnant Donna Sheridan said: “I was either hoping for proper American, like Corey or Maverick or Kennedy, or something acceptably dull and English. This falls between two stools.

“Archie’s the kind of name a teenage mum gives her kid hoping he’ll wear glasses and do well at school. Harrison’s from Star Wars. They’ve fucked up.

“I’ve started saving up for the counselling my own Harrison will need after a lifetime of people saying ‘Where’s Chewbacca?’.”