Monday, 6th July 2020

Five ways to stop climate change if they weren't such a pain in the arse

WITH catastrophic climate change on its way, responsible people like you need to act fast. Here’s what you’d definitely be doing if it wasn’t too much hassle.

Eat less meat

Sure! But what? Jackfruit? You’re taking the piss at a tenner a go. Quorn? Their pretend mince tastes like fried string. Come on, Science, you’re the one telling us about climate change so make us a vegetable that tastes exactly like crispy fried pig.

Drive your car a bit less

Sounds doable, but when the time comes to walk to the bottle bank or local shop you suddenly remember a couple of bags of wine and potato waffles can be really quite heavy. Also isn’t not using the big metal 4x4 in your drive a waste of the earth’s resources too?

Ride a bike

Healthy and green. However widespread environmental destruction may be a small price to pay for avoiding the humiliation of wearing bicycle clips. Also carries the equally terrifying risks of being run over or turning into a hardcore cycling bore.

Recycle your plastic bags

Yeah, totally. Those poor whales and turtles. On the other hand all those free carrier bags irresponsible corner shops give you mean you haven’t had to buy a roll of bin bags since 2006. Truly a difficult ethical decision.

Stop food waste

Composting is a good idea, but you wouldn’t want to do it wrong and give everyone bubonic plague from rats. Alternatively you could recover slightly out-of-date food by rooting around in supermarket bins. But frankly just ‘no’.