Sunday, 9th May 2021

Foxes waiting til you start to drift off before starting all-night f**kfest

FOXES in your area have announced that one of the longest and loudest all-night orgies on record will begin the moment you try to get to sleep.

The shagger have promised that tonight’s session, between some of the most renowned shaggers in the area and a bevy of sexy vixens, will feature some of the noisiest and most depraved sexual acts in the animal kingdom.

Fox Martin Bishop said: “We’ll be watching for that light to go out, and then for the glow of your phone to subside. And after that, it is f**king on.

“My first climax will shock you awake with a scream of graphic human torture, before you remember it’s just those bushy-tailed bastard horn-bags pumping away in the flowerbeds again.

“And I promise every subsequent time will build on that one. It’s going to be earth-shattering.”

Naturalist Dr Helen Archer said: “Urban foxes are now so used to an audience when they’re copulating that the male can only achieve climax when you slam the window closed.

“Regretfully, you being woken by the disturbing screeches and snarls of sexy fox passion is a key part of their mating ritual and integral to the survival of their species.”