Foxes waiting til you start to drift off before starting all-night f**kfest

FOXES in your area have announced that one of the longest and loudest all-night orgies on record will begin the moment you try to get to sleep.

The shagger have promised that tonight’s session, between some of the most renowned shaggers in the area and a bevy of sexy vixens, will feature some of the noisiest and most depraved sexual acts in the animal kingdom.

Fox Martin Bishop said: “We’ll be watching for that light to go out, and then for the glow of your phone to subside. And after that, it is f**king on.

“My first climax will shock you awake with a scream of graphic human torture, before you remember it’s just those bushy-tailed bastard horn-bags pumping away in the flowerbeds again.

“And I promise every subsequent time will build on that one. It’s going to be earth-shattering.”

Naturalist Dr Helen Archer said: “Urban foxes are now so used to an audience when they’re copulating that the male can only achieve climax when you slam the window closed.

“Regretfully, you being woken by the disturbing screeches and snarls of sexy fox passion is a key part of their mating ritual and integral to the survival of their species.”

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How to buy your first house in your 20s, by a twat with rich parents

GETTING on the property ladder as a young millennial is all about managing your budget, saving scrupulously and being given a £85,000 deposit. Here’s my tips: 

Get a job for a little bit

Friends of your wealthy, influential parents will queue up to give you little ‘jobs’ so you can earn ‘money’. It’s hard slogging away three days a week but it means you’re paying your own way symbolically, though you spend all of it and more.

Live at one of your family homes

It was a tough decision, but I sacrificed having my own space to set myself up in the granny flat of our Sevenoaks home. I had my own bedroom, en-suite, kitchen-diner and living room, so it was pretty brutal. But it was worth it for the independence.

No more than four breaks a year

Heartbreaking, right? Saying no to weekends in Florence, mini-breaks in Madrid, that girls’ trip to Dubai. It’s a real challenge to limit yourself. But if you’re serious about home ownership then you have no choice. That fortnight in Cape Town will be all the more special.

Cut your spending

Only three brunches a week, only 15 Ubers a week, and never agree to the fifth gram. It’s all about finding smart solutions.

Tell your parents you’ve done all that and ask for a house

Once you’ve proved to yourself you deserve a house, just ask for one. They’ll recognise your achievement and reward you with a three-bed duplex in Pimlico. I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved, and I want to encourage everyone to never give up and to have rich parents.