BRITAIN’S water suppliers have explained their request for £96 billion to stop pumping shit into waterways is entirely legal and legitimate.
The overseas-owned businesses announced that unless they received the sum the UK’s waterways would soon be choked with turds from mountain to beach, adding they did not consider that to be a threat but more of a warning.
A spokesman said: “With this money we’ll mend leaks, upgrade infrastructure, and stop discharging raw sewage into the sea. With our money? Oh, that’s gone.
“You’re able to stop paying us for water-related services at any time, that’s how the free market works. Whether you want to end potable water as an individual or a nation is up to you.
“But if you do want water – and I happen to think it’s pretty good stuff – then you’ll hand over the money. How do you know we’ll use it to fix everything? Trust us.
“Your kids like water, don’t they? Your wife, she’s fond of wild swimming I hear? And her parents live in Eastbourne, by the sea? Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Whenever you’re ready.”
Tom Logan of Leicester said: “I remember when they first privatised water. There were adverts for it all over the telly that we paid for.”