Greenpeace vows to destroy planet

FORMER environmental organisation Greenpeace has pledged to wipe out all animal species then blow up the planet.

“What the fuck is that anyway?”

Following a brutal giant squid attack on a Greenpeace submarine, senior activists realised that Earth is a hostile place populated by creatures that exist only to kill.

A spokesman said: “For years we have endangered our lives haranguing whaling ships, risked imprisonment to help obscure mammals and worn dreadful sexless knitwear so that we look the part while doing so.

“But our supposedly precious home planet and its wildlife couldn’t give a shit.”

Onlookers described how Greenpeace workers greeted the squid with cries of ‘hey Mr Squid’ and ‘float freely my brave beaked warrior’ before realising it was trying to tear open their submarine and disembowel them in an orgy of marine blood lust.

The spokesman continued: “Not only is nature ungrateful, it actually wants to pull our arms off. Sod this planet, the future of humanity lies on Mars where there are no predators or frightening forests to harbour them.

“Our mission now is to run around setting fire to things, while living entirely on factory-farmed red meat and wearing snazzy sweat shop-made trainers. The quicker we kill the planet, the sooner we can escape.”

Greenpeace member Mary Fisher said: “Trees do look like massive witches and my cat gave me a scratch that went septic. So yes, nature is probably evil.

“Also I don’t really rate Ecover washing up liquid and dislike having to listen to Baba Maal CDs while eating pungent bean-based food.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

UKIP attracting Labour voters 'who are alienated and really gullible'

UKIP is attracting thousands of Labour voters who have rejected mainstream politics and rational thought.

Experts said the party could overtake Labour because its simplistic message can appeal to angry, gullible people across the political spectrum.

Martin Bishop, author of The Way the Stupid Vote Now, said: “You don’t have to be a disgruntled Thatcherite to believe that Britain is shit because of the EU.

“You don’t have to be a former BNP voter to believe that Romanians eat cats.

“Just because you live north of Birmingham and your grandfather wore a cap, doesn’t mean you’re not an utter fucking dipshit.”