Having massive carbon footprint linked to being alive

PRODUCING carbon emissions that impact the environment is an unfortunate side effect of simply being alive, it has emerged.

The groundbreaking discovery was made by scientists observing any living thing at any time, but most especially humans wearing clothes, putting the heating on or ordering Dominos on a Friday night.

Professor Harry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “You know carbon dioxide? That thing that’s causing global warming? We literally breathe it out.

“We’re all walking along like little smokestacks all day long, and that’s before we have heating and cars and Spotify, all of which increase your carbon footprint, as does absolutely everything else.

“There doesn’t seem to be a way out. Solar panels and growing your own vegetables, sure, until you realise how much more efficient nuclear power and factory farming are. While still producing carbon. We are, it turns out, a carbon-based life form.”

Extinction Rebellion campaigner Nathan Muir said: “But what if I eat loads of jackfruit? What then?”

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Train station piano sorry about all the twats

A TRAIN station piano has apologised for all of the performances made by attention-seeking twats.

Piano Donna Sheridan, located in London St Pancras, feels personally responsible for all of the amateur musicians who cannot resist using her to show off their skills in public.

Sheridan said: “You’re rushing to work and there’s a bunch of people blocking your way because they’re all filming a moron hammering out Clair de lune at the wrong speed.

“Meanwhile I just wanted to retire to a primary school assembly hall or a hipster’s flat where I would be used as a book shelf and place to store old playing cards.”

Public piano player Martin Bishop said: “Train stations can be places of frustration and expensive food, so I like to lift everyone’s spirits by playing Flight of the Bumblebee. I think everyone appreciates the gesture.”

Sheridan added: “What a f*cking dickbag.”