House spiders must prove they are catching flies

SPIDERS living rent-free in houses must provide evidence that they are actually killing flies.

Under new rules every resident spider must provide a minimum of five dead insects a week or be hit with a shoe.

Entomologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Spiders have long enjoyed special treatment because they claim to kill flies, but where’s the evidence?

“At least cats show you what they’ve murdered. Spiders just throw up a web and then nip back under the bookshelf.”

Spiders who can prove they are doing their job will be rewarded by being put under a glass sealed with a postcard and taken on a day out to Legoland Windsor.

Spider Tom Logan said: “Have you any idea how hard it is to catch fucking flies?

“It’s a waiting game that requires patience, stealth and ninja-like mental focus.”

Joseph Turner of Brighton said: “I always suspected the whole fly-killing thing was a scam, and when some spiders presented me with some black fluff bundled up in web I knew I had them.

“They haven’t got a clue. So I’ve handed over insect control duty to the dog and the spiders are doing the ironing.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Fancy burgers not actually that great

FANS of fashionable US-type food have been reminded that it is just meat with cheese on it.

As gourmet burgers, barbecued ribs and other ‘diner style’ foods reach epidemic proportions across the UK, some Britons have noticed that these are just slightly better quality variations on the crap they were eating years ago.

Plumber Tom Logan said: “I was at Texas Jack’s Barbecue Shack, excitedly chomping through a ’28-day-aged’ Angus ranch burger with Monterey Jack cheese, when I realised it was just a Wimpy with nicer tables.

“If you look at the menu, everything is just a piece of meat either with or without onions or cheese.

“Fries are chips, and coleslaw is disgusting, it’s like cabbage with milk on it. There was nothing there that a child could not cook.

“I have tasted America, and it is greasy.”

American food fan Stephen Malley said: “I just love that authentic barbecue taste. You don’t get that at home, unless you own a barbecue which in fairness many people do.”

Food writer Nikki Hollis said: “It’s almost as if Britain has been duped by clever marketing. Difficult to imagine, I know.”