SPIDERS living rent-free in houses must provide evidence that they are actually killing flies.
Under new rules every resident spider must provide a minimum of five dead insects a week or be hit with a shoe.
Entomologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Spiders have long enjoyed special treatment because they claim to kill flies, but where’s the evidence?
“At least cats show you what they’ve murdered. Spiders just throw up a web and then nip back under the bookshelf.”
Spiders who can prove they are doing their job will be rewarded by being put under a glass sealed with a postcard and taken on a day out to Legoland Windsor.
Spider Tom Logan said: “Have you any idea how hard it is to catch fucking flies?
“It’s a waiting game that requires patience, stealth and ninja-like mental focus.”
Joseph Turner of Brighton said: “I always suspected the whole fly-killing thing was a scam, and when some spiders presented me with some black fluff bundled up in web I knew I had them.
“They haven’t got a clue. So I’ve handed over insect control duty to the dog and the spiders are doing the ironing.”