Does ‘extremists’ include Russell Brand? asks everyone

BRITAIN will accept diminished civil rights if it means less Russell Brand on the television, it has emerged.

Proposals by Theresa May to ban enemies of democracy from broadcasting were greeted cautiously but the public if that included pirate-esque comedians with messianic tendencies.

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “It’s a questionable piece of legislation ripe for abuse by the government, but just think – no Brand.

“He won’t be flipping his dandy’s hands on Alan Carr, he won’t be bumming up with Jonathan Ross, he won’t be referring to Evan’s cockring on Newsnight.

“If you live your life as a beardy cult leader mesmerising young women, you must take the consequences.”

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Supermarkets to stop hiding contempt for customers

BRITAIN’S supermarkets have revealed plans to stop concealing their utter loathing of the public.

After Sainsbury’s displayed a poster about getting its customers to spend more money, Waitrose following suit with banners reading ‘It’s All Smoke And Mirrors You Cul De Sac Dwelling Morons’.

A Waitrose spokesman said: “It’s so liberating to finally come out about this. We really hate their stupid pretentious faces.

“The way they always read the ingredients, ‘Ooh has it got this or that in it because of my precious health’. Fuck off. You’re just Asda people with more personal debt.”

Meanwhile Tesco has begun employing staff to randomly kick shoppers in the arse.

Shopper Mary Fisher said: “It’s way better than when they all pretended to be our friends.

“We hate you, you hate us, we sort of need each other. I’m ok with that.”