Tuesday, 4th August 2020

How to reduce your plastic use while being a smug b*stard about it

DO you want to use less plastic while making sure everyone knows what a thoughtful, eco-conscious and incredibly smug person you are? Here’s how.

Buy milk in glass bottles and never shut up about it

Invite friends round for coffee and impress them by pouring milk from a recyclable glass bottle instead of an evil plastic one. Extra smug w*nker points if it’s raw and unpasteurised.

Buy a bamboo toothbrush and display it in your bathroom

Chuck away that scummy old glass with nine grotty plastic toothbrushes and an inch of old spit and replace it with one bamboo toothbrush on its own special plinth, complete with an annoying ‘holier than thou’ glow.

Wash dishes with old scraps of hessian

Washing up sponges shed microplastics, which suffocate the poor little fishies. Impress your friends with your awesome selflessness by cleaning your crockery with bits of old sack. It will take forever and nothing will get clean, but you’ll enjoy revelling in your martyrdom, like a more sanctimonious version of Joan of Arc.

Make a fuss about fiddling around with loose tea

Tea bags are made with plastic, which gives you a great opportunity to be an almighty bore not just about the environment, but also how much you adore responsibly sourced, traditionally smoked loose leaf lapsang souchong.

Spends loads of cash on a flashy reusable bottle

What’s the point of not using loads of plastic bottles if no one knows about it? Buy the most expensive reusable bottle you can, preferably one of those really knobby ones with a bit of charcoal in it to purify the water, and enjoy casting dirty looks at the earth murderers still buying Evian.