How to reduce your plastic use while being a smug b*stard about it

DO you want to use less plastic while making sure everyone knows what a thoughtful, eco-conscious and incredibly smug person you are? Here’s how.

Buy milk in glass bottles and never shut up about it

Invite friends round for coffee and impress them by pouring milk from a recyclable glass bottle instead of an evil plastic one. Extra smug w*nker points if it’s raw and unpasteurised.

Buy a bamboo toothbrush and display it in your bathroom

Chuck away that scummy old glass with nine grotty plastic toothbrushes and an inch of old spit and replace it with one bamboo toothbrush on its own special plinth, complete with an annoying ‘holier than thou’ glow.

Wash dishes with old scraps of hessian

Washing up sponges shed microplastics, which suffocate the poor little fishies. Impress your friends with your awesome selflessness by cleaning your crockery with bits of old sack. It will take forever and nothing will get clean, but you’ll enjoy revelling in your martyrdom, like a more sanctimonious version of Joan of Arc.

Make a fuss about fiddling around with loose tea

Tea bags are made with plastic, which gives you a great opportunity to be an almighty bore not just about the environment, but also how much you adore responsibly sourced, traditionally smoked loose leaf lapsang souchong.

Spends loads of cash on a flashy reusable bottle

What’s the point of not using loads of plastic bottles if no one knows about it? Buy the most expensive reusable bottle you can, preferably one of those really knobby ones with a bit of charcoal in it to purify the water, and enjoy casting dirty looks at the earth murderers still buying Evian.

 

Five songs that are so overplayed you'll want to top yourself

AFTER Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol was somehow named as the most-played song this century, here are some others that will make you want to cut off your ears and burn them.

Wonderwall by Oasis

It was tolerably enjoyable in 1995, but that was 24 years ago now and it is still played on heavy rotation and sung at every opportunity by drunk blokes. To this day, no one has the faintest idea what a ‘wonderwall’ is.

Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey

This gloopy rock anthem had almost faded away until it was resurrected by hideous high school musical show Glee in 2009 and became a firm favourite with pissed-up hen do karaoke nights. It should have been left to die with dignity. Or slowly and painfully.

Hello by Adele

The bland yet mysteriously globally adored Adele honked out this nugget of misery in 2015 and it hasn’t gone away four years later, even though most people who hear it want to stick their head in an oven. Even an electric oven, to toast themselves to death. It’s that bad.

Happy by Pharrell

Is this song constantly playing in every shop in the UK or does it just feel like it? Either way, the ‘happy’ aspect of it wears off once you’ve heard it for the 237,000,000th time and start having detailed fantasies about murdering Pharrell. Let’s see if he’s so ‘happy’ then.

All I Want For Christmas by Mariah Carey

Even though it’s only played during December, everyone on the planet must have heard this song more times than is good for their sanity. Close contender with Noddy Holder and Slade for making you want to impale yourself on a Christmas tree.