Humans to save planet by buying things with ‘eco’ in the name

CLIMATE change can be stopped by purchasing goods that say ‘eco’ on the packaging, it has been claimed.

Britons have resolved to stop the planet overheating by limiting their consumerism to things that either sound environmental, come in moss-coloured packaging or feature a picture of a tree.

Architect Stephen Malley said: “We’ve got to think about the sort of planet we’re leaving for our children, which is why I would never buy a 4 x 4 unless it was called ‘Eco-Jeep’.

“We need to put pressure on manufacturers to call everything ‘eco-‘ this and that. And it has to be properly printed on the item, not just written on in biro.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I carefully read packaging to make sure everything I buy says ‘eco’ or ‘bio’ on it somewhere, especially if it is a pointless luxury item that just smells nice.

“But of course the name alone is not enough. I want these products to be twice as expensive as their non-eco equivalent, and for no clear reason.

“We can shop our way out of this crisis.”

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Couple decide not to renovate kitchen

A COUPLE have decided to just leave their kitchen as it is.

Martin and Julie Bishop, from Peterborough, considered spending thousands of borrowed pounds on a new kitchen before deciding that it was a lot of bollocks.

Martin Bishop said: “Who fucking cares what our kitchen looks like? It’s got a cooker, a fridge, a washing machine and a worktop for the preparation of sandwiches.”

Julie Bishop added: “I don’t need a built-in wine rack. It’s all just bullshit.

“I had thought about creating a Nigella-inspired wonderland. But then I remembered that I’m a human being with better things to do than care about this sort of utter fucking nonsense.”

The couple revealed that following their decision they have been shunned by friends who have accused them of being communists.

Julie Bishop said: “We’re not going to redo the bathroom either. So fuck you.”