MASTURBATORY opportunities can present themselves at the strangest of times. Who would have thought these classic movies would contain dubious wanking material?

The Wicker Man (1973)

Folk horror about human sacrifice is not the obvious place to look for plank-spanking material. So stumbling across the scene with an alleged Britt Ekland cavorting naked against a wall is a marvellous bonus wank. It’s actually not Britt at all, but body double Jane Jackson, but does that bother you? Thought not.

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover (1989)

Arty shite? Perhaps. Full of sex? Definitely. If shagging in a restaurant food storage room or getting a blowjob in the toilets is your kind of fetish, this one’s right up your street. There’s also torture, cannibalism and forcing a man to eat excrement, so let’s hope they all washed their hands afterwards. Otherwise their food hygiene rating doesn’t bear thinking about. 

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Gory tongue-in-cheek vampire horror is another genre seemingly unsuited to grappling the leathery eel, but then up pops Salma Hayek. The seductive dance with a python draped around her neck culminates in Quentin Tarantino slurping tequila from her naked foot. Was it coincidence his character did that, or director’s perks? Either way there’s ample time to luxuriate in self-abuse. Just try to finish up before everyone starts getting their limbs ripped off.

Black Swan (2010)

A psychological thriller against the rather staid backdrop of ballet rivalry is unlikely to have many wankable highlights, right? Not when Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman start sucking each other’s faces off. Fast forward to the 69th minute, ironically, to avoid falling asleep from boredom and hey presto: girl-on-girl action. A favourite of men who are still virgins and believe such things happen on a daily basis for the sexually active.

When Harry Met Sally (1989)

Romcoms are rarely populated with scenes to merrily unzip to, and this one seems no different. Until when Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal are bickering while eating a sandwich, then suddenly Ms Ryan pulls the orgasm scene. It’s pretty hot, but you’ll need to get in quick as the rest is just classic comedy. You’ll feel pathetic when it dawns on you you’ve just got off to an actress pretending to climax, but in many ways that’s better than when it happens in real life.

Basic Instinct (1992)

Okay, the title should have been a giveaway in a film otherwise centred around the jolly hobby of murdering people with an icepick, but back in the day no one saw the leg-crossing-fanny-glimpse coming. Millions of VHS tapes globally snapped under the pressure of being paused in exactly the same spot so male viewers could crash the proverbial custard truck. Which was no great loss as the rest of the film is pretty shit.