THE classic ice lollies of the 70s and 80s are more than just nostalgia. They symbolise a better time which only Reform can bring back, explains councillor Norman Steele.
Mini Milk
Bland and unexciting, but that was a good thing because it taught us to endure hardship uncomplainingly. Rest assured Reform will be bringing back that Blitz Spirit. Nigel will personally launch a lolly called The Dunkirk, tasting of Spam and sand.
Cider Barrel
A relic of a better time when drink driving was socially acceptable and motorists weren’t terrorised by the seatbelt Gestapo. And where are Britain’s historic cider orchards these days? Chopped down to make space for wind turbines and asylum hostels. Laurie Lee would turn in her grave if she knew what had become of the land of Cider Barrel with Rosie.
Orange Maid
Banned now because ‘maid’ is gender-specific and therefore offensive to trans ‘women’. Under Reform it will be illegal for ice cream vans to discriminate in favour of transgender people. We are very keen on important policies like that.
The Fab lolly
The Fab lolly was a cornerstone of Anglo-Saxon culture, now all but extinct thanks to mass immigration and woke. Its three iconic tiers of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate with hundreds and thousands were as quintessentially English as Nelson’s fleet. You can still get them in supermarkets, so it’s unclear what our beef is here, but that’s often the case with Reform.
The Zoom
No British summer was complete without a pineapple, orange and strawberry lolly vaguely shaped like a rocket. But how long before those refreshing fruit flavours are replaced by curry, jerk chicken and Eastern European sausage in the name of multiculturalism? Vote Reform before it’s too late.
Dracula
We all know why you can’t get these wonderful lollies anymore. The menacing shape of Dracula and the raspberry-flavoured ‘blood’ centre would have today’s snowflake youngsters sobbing and demanding a safe space. Under Reform horror lollies will be sold freely, especially ones named after classic British films, such as ‘The Blood on Satan’s Cornetto’ and ‘Don’t Lick Now’.
Funny Feet
Introduced in 1980, and as much a symbol of British greatness as Margaret Thatcher, the Falklands War and Daley Thompson. In what other decade could you have celebrated the sinking of the Belgrano while sucking on a strangely gelatinous ice cream foot? Truly the best of times.
