Loch Ness Monster sighting was just branch wearing Tam o’ Shanter

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

The legend of the monster draws hundreds of thousands of tourists every year hoping that an angry dinosaur will emerge from the loch and go on a bloody rampage.

But Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Branches are washed down the river from a wood near the loch, and that same river happens to go past a tam o’ shanter warehouse which uses it to get rid of industrial waste.

“Once tangled together in the loch, the branch and hat must have snagged on a discarded set of bagpipes which, when the wind blew through them, made a sound not unlike Flower of Scotland and a Glaswegian voice hurling abuse.

“As always, there’s a perfectly rational explanation.”

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Arsenal-United game to be five-a-side

INJURY-HIT Arsenal and Manchester United have agreed to field only five players each for tomorrow’s game.

No swearing or the manager tells you off

The match, which has been moved from the Emirates Stadium to the nearby York Hall Leisure Centre, will be played indoors on a wooden surface with both teams wearing plimsolls.

United currently have 12 first-team players injured while Arsenal have lost key players Ozil and Koscielny with a further six presenting notes from their mothers saying they are too ill to play.

Arsene Wenger said: “These excuses are undoubtedly authentic, as all our players are extremely enthusiastic about playing for the club this season.

“If forced to field eleven players we would have had to select under-12 players, members of the catering staff and Yaya Sanogo.”

The game will have a strict no tackling policy and will finish after 55 minutes so everyone can have one of the Lucozades and packets of McCoys Ryan Giggs brings along.

An FA spokesman said: “Technically this is in breach of rules.

“But we’ve okayed it because whichever way it goes, this match will have no impact on the outcome of the Premier League whatsoever.”