London flooded deliberately

THE rest of the UK has agreed that London should be deliberately reclaimed as an aquatic habitat for the benefit of the country. 

Following a trial period of heavy flooding at the weekend that has left homes, roads and Tube stations underwater, residents of Manchester, Edinburgh and Swindon agreed that it should not stop there.

Joanna Kramer of Nottingham said: “You know how there’s those sunken oil tankers that are an environmental disaster but become a haven for coral and fish and that? Same energy.

“London can’t be saved. By allowing it to slip beneath the waves we can at least preserve its architectural grandeur, which will look way better covered in coral with fish slipping in and out of Westminster than the f**king state it’s in currently.

“Its current inhabitants can either cling on to a half-life on the upper floors of the ruined Shard, hunting fish in the submerged ruins of Tate Modern, or leave. Either way they’ll be happier.

“Tourists will love cruising around the city and going for Buckingham Palace scuba-dives. The rest of Britain gets an economic boost and a fresh start. We should have done it years ago.”

Nathan Muir of Hoxton said: “I’m running a pop-up rum bar every weekend in the flooded remains of Fabric. And now it’ll be even more exclusive.”

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Olive Oil Only, and five other unbelievably niche shops they only have in posh towns

VISITING a chi-chi little town? Here are six absurdly niche shops you’ll find there and only there: 

Olive Oil Only

Apparently extra-virgin isn’t good enough for the inhabitants of Smedley-upon-Wem, so they pop to a convenient specialist to slather their pans in an choice selection of chilli and saffron-infused nectar of the gods. But does do really nice free samples served with poncy crackers.

Dead Flowers

Dried flowers used to be a granny thing, but in Cockwich-sub-Castle they’re every middle-class woman’s go-to and whole shops are devoted to unusual dried grasses pieces at £8 a pop. Named after the Rolling Stones song, also now kind of a granny thing.

Paper Dispensation

No-one writes anything by hand nowadays, so the absurdly wealthy are getting into it. That and early retirees taking up sketching means a shop selling fancy paper is a viable business in Market Frecklesworth. You pick up a ream of A4 for the printer and leave it at the counter when it costs £22.

St Bede’s Uniform Retailer to the Gentry

School skirts are two for £12 at Sainsbury’s but not if your daughter gets into St Bede’s Costermonger’s Free School, formerly Astlebury Grammar. Uniform only available at their special shop in the poshest nearby village, where an ankle-length kilt will set you back £50.

Jynnan Tonnyx

Since gin was culturally appropriated from serious drunks, little boutique stores have opened up across the land with 150 different brands of gin that all taste the same but have a slightly different version of a pheasant with a monocle as their mascot.

Bathmats of Yore

Not content with a single interior design shop run by a vile man in a cravat, Slocombe-by-Water is so well-heeled it can support the absurd side hustle of a vintage shop entirely devoted to Victorian bath mats and bathing equipment. Don’t go in unless you like feeling inferior to a tablecloth.