London now literally toxic as well as metaphorically

LONDON is now smothering its residents literally as well as metaphorically. 

As pollution in the capital continues to spiral, Londoners said it made a refreshing change to be poisoned physically instead of just spiritually.

Tom Booker said: “I’ve been saying for years that London is killing me, so it’s nice to know that it actually is.

“If anything, the toxic clouds just make London cooler, it’s kind of edgy and not just a consumerist nightmare full of drab chain bars.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “London was never supposed to be inhabited and it has been trying to tell us that for centuries.

“It seems that the Great Fire, the plague, £6 pints and tube trains packed full of pushy, sweaty commuters hasn’t managed to put people off, so it is now trying to gas us.

“Next there will be a plague of locusts, then a river of blood, and we’ll see if people still want to buy £400,000 houses in Hackney after that.”

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Resident Evil 7 set in Michael Gove’s house

THE new Resident Evil game is a nerve-jangling journey into the terrifying world of Michael Gove, it has emerged.

The latest instalment of the survival horror game allows players to explore a large house owned by the creepy ‘Mr Gove’ and inhabited by horrible creatures.

Gamer Tom Logan said: “The house is dark and covered in mould, with faded pictures of naval battles and sinister china dolls everywhere – exactly the sort of place you’d expect Gove to live in.

“The enemies are genuinely terrifying. I almost shat myself when a thing called ‘the Farage’ leapt out of the darkness at me, trying to bite me with its enormous maw full of smoker’s teeth.

“In the ‘home office’ area of the house you encounter ‘Mad Sarah’, an evil witch who sits at a typewriter bashing out articles about how Britain is going to the dogs because all its young women are alcoholic sluts.

“Finally you meet Gove himself. He’s clearly an evil spirit inside a ventriloquist’s doll, although the game doesn’t explicitly say that.

“Gove is a bastard to kill because he keeps stabbing you in the back and disappearing. It’s a really scary game.”