Make plastic bags a quid and give us the money, say turtles

TURTLES have told the government to stop messing around, raise the plastic bag charge to £1 and send the cash straight to them. 

Sea turtles, one of the chief victims of plastic waste in the oceans, believe that increasing the charge by 1,900 per cent will not only act as a deterrent but provide them with a much-needed income stream.

Leatherback turtle Stephen Malley said: “You know how hard mating already is when you’re 90 per cent shell?

“Now try doing it with a Lidl bag round your neck that you’ve dragged across half the Atlantic. Yeah. Exactly.

“Make the charge really sting and we’ll have the cash, because even though banknotes are plastic you don’t get many of them turning up in the sea, let me tell you.

“Never you mind what we’re going to spend it on. That’s turtle business. We’ve got plans. That’s all I’m saying.”

Malley added: “Don’t start getting sentimental and giving it to pandas. Black-and-white dicks.”