Man shoves down rubbish in kitchen bin then lies to wife about it again

A MAN has postponed putting his rubbish out once again by ramming down the contents of his kitchen bin and then lying about it.

Exerting the full force of his body weight, Bill McKay managed to free up a full three-eighths of an inch of extra space, creating just enough room for an empty bacon packet and the inedible heel from a seeded batch loaf.

The 90 seconds of grunting effort has saved him from having to walk all the way to the wheelie bin by the shed and then replace the bag in the kitchen.

Clapping his hands in a satisfied manner, McKay said: “Time well spent.”

When asked by his wife if he had emptied the bin like she asked, McKay immediately said ‘yes’, before going back to watching the new Game of Thrones trailer.

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Child’s drawing nowhere near good enough for expensive new fridge

A CHILD’S application to have his drawing pinned to an expensive new fridge has been rejected.

Martin Bishop, four, spent nearly an hour on the piece which was immediately described as ‘poor’.

Martin’s mother Eleanor, said: “Apparently it’s a ‘car’. At first I thought it was a plate of vomit or some sort of armoured goat. I see no ‘car’.

“Yes, I get that he’s only four and I suppose I appreciate the effort, but this is a very nice, very expensive fridge and I’m not sticking this garbage on it.”

Martin said: “I either need to get better at drawing cars, or remind mummy that I know her and the postman weren’t just ‘playing a game’ the other day.

“It’s a question of whether I place my artistic integrity above my need for validation, and given that I’m four years old, the need for validation is probably going to win.

“Over to you, mummy.”