Pork pies and tartan blanket turn binge-drinking into lovely picnic

A GROUP of people were able to drink heavily outdoors without stigma by taking a small amount of food and calling it a picnic, they have revealed.

Donna Sheridan and friends transformed getting hammered in a park into a delightful summer outing with just a few extra items.

Office administrator Sheridan said: “With a little effort it’s actually quite easy to turn 48 cans of lager, eight bottles of prosecco and a litre of Tesco vodka into a picnic.

“I threw in some mini pork pies, a multipack of Quavers and a pack of muesli breakfast bars I’ve never felt sufficiently motivated to eat. It really was a marvellous spread.

“Steve brought a tartan travel blanket, and as we got stuck into the Stella in the sunshine I could easily imagine we were the Famous Five.

“And al fresco dining really does give you an appetite. I must have had 12 glasses of Banrock Station before I passed out and ended up with a tan on just one side of my face.

“We’ll definitely do it again. Next time I think I’ll bring brie. And tequila.”

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Seagull admits man isn't paranoid, it really is stalking him

A MAN whose friends claim he is paranoid about being stalked by a seagull is not remotely paranoid, the seagull has admitted.

Brighton-based seagull Martin Bishop revealed to his fellow gulls that office worker Julian Cook has been told by friends to stop ‘talking nonsense’ about a sinister-looking seagull that ‘follows him around and stares at him’.

Bishop said: “They all think he’s mad. It’s brilliant.

“He’ll probably lose his job and have to move to a smaller place and women will find him less attractive.

“And I will enjoy it all because I am a seagull.”

Julian Cook said: “It is, it’s bloody following me. Everywhere I go. Of course, maybe there’s a chance I’m just being paranoid. Yes, I’m just being paranoid.”

“Yes, you’re just being paranoid,” added Bishop while perched on the ledge outside Cook’s bedroom.