BRITAIN’S relatively pleasant winter weather has taught absolutely nothing to an idle grasshopper that ignored the advice of an industrious ant.
Grasshopper Tom Logan spent the summer months fornicating with lady grasshoppers, making self-indulgent leg music and only doing about three hops during the whole time, while his friend the ant worked slavishly to store food for the winter months.
He said: “The ant kept on saying I had to get my life together, giving me disapproving looks with his expressive little ant face while struggling beneath some edible object forty times his size.
“But I did not store any food, because I am lazy and arrogant.
“Now I am fine and the ant is dead.
“He collapsed last week, having spent his short life cycle in a loop of arduous, back-breaking labour that was almost entirely pointless.”
He added: “My mandibles are looking especially good and shiny today, don’t you think?”
Naturalist Emma Bradford said: “Look at that fucking grasshopper, without a care in the world. Even its wings are annoying.
“When no one’s watching, I’m going to step on it.”