Mums treating cold weather like deadly radiation

MUMS are treating the fairly cold weather as if it were lethal radiation, it has been confirmed.

Mothers have confirmed that anyone who goes outside for prolonged periods without numerous protective layers is doomed, as they would be in the aftermath of a nuclear incident.

Sixth-former Nikki Hollis said: “I’m only going half a mile to school, but from my mum’s 10-minute interrogation you’d think I was about to open the airlock of a bunker and step into the radioactive wasteland.

“We have these bizarre ‘negotiations’ where she makes me put on more clothes. Today I had the choice of sweating like a pig in my big winter jacket or looking like a knob in my old Snoopy bobble hat.

“Whenever we’re outside she thinks it’s a race against time to get back indoors to safety.”

Hollis’s mother Emma Bradford said: “It sounds silly but I bought some surplus US army radiation suits on the internet and sewed fleecy linings into them.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ask Holly: Why can't Brits become tantric sex gods?

Dear Holly,

I’ve got a theory on why Brits are less aspirational than Americans: they are workshy gits who have no idea of the hard graft required to make it as an international superstar and tantric sex god. Unless Philip Hammond can train the UK workforce to sustain an orgasm for five hours then you’re all doomed. Don’t you agree?


New York

Dear Sting,

More importantly, what about poor old Kanye? I’ve got a pretty good idea what happened – someone must have eaten far too many fruit gums and then been sick all over his lovely new white couch and it made him go completely insane. I know this because that’s what happened to my mummy. Don’t worry, they didn’t have to handcuff her, she just shouted and cried a lot and drank quite a lot of wine.

Hope that helps