Northern Forest to have massive chip on its shoulder

TREES in the new Northern Forest will have a large number of grievances and think southern forests are looking down on them, it has emerged.

The planned forest stretching from Liverpool to Hull will be full of trees who assume affluent southern woodlands are constantly sneering at them, despite no one suggesting this.

Doncaster-based oak Roy Hobbs said: “I expect down south the trees think we’re a bunch of thick deciduous bastards who’ve never heard of nature trails or picnic areas.

“Well let me tell you this. I’ve just had a dead branch removed by the Forestry Commission using a state-of-the-art Bosch trimmer vehicle.

“We may not grow in fancy London parks but we’ve got a sense of community. Trees round here would give you their last acorn if you asked. You wouldn’t get that in the New Forest.”

Fir tree Nikki Hollis from Stockport said: “My aunt told me every southern tree has its own personal forester to shoot woodpeckers. It’s disgusting when some Northern trees are just stumps.

“I’d move down south myself but it’s not really practical when you’ve got a massive root network. Also I wouldn’t fit in because apparently the poncey twats get watered every day with lattes.”