Northern Forest to have massive chip on its shoulder

TREES in the new Northern Forest will have a large number of grievances and think southern forests are looking down on them, it has emerged.

The planned forest stretching from Liverpool to Hull will be full of trees who assume affluent southern woodlands are constantly sneering at them, despite no one suggesting this.

Doncaster-based oak Roy Hobbs said: “I expect down south the trees think we’re a bunch of thick deciduous bastards who’ve never heard of nature trails or picnic areas.

“Well let me tell you this. I’ve just had a dead branch removed by the Forestry Commission using a state-of-the-art Bosch trimmer vehicle.

“We may not grow in fancy London parks but we’ve got a sense of community. Trees round here would give you their last acorn if you asked. You wouldn’t get that in the New Forest.”

Fir tree Nikki Hollis from Stockport said: “My aunt told me every southern tree has its own personal forester to shoot woodpeckers. It’s disgusting when some Northern trees are just stumps.

“I’d move down south myself but it’s not really practical when you’ve got a massive root network. Also I wouldn’t fit in because apparently the poncey twats get watered every day with lattes.”

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Genius Trump unveils general theory of pussytivity

DONALD Trump has proved his credentials as a genius by setting out his scientific theory on the subject of ‘pussy’.

After being widely mocked for describing himself as a genius, the US president claimed he had “far better theories” than “assholes like Einstein”.

Trump tweeted: “The amount of pussy you get is directly proportional to how many hotels and casinos you own. I call it the General Theory of Pussytivity.

“A crucial element is whether you’re on TV. Einstein couldn’t get his own reality show so he probably just sat around at home all day jerking off like a loser.”

However scientist Tom Booker said: “There is a major flaw in Trump’s theory, namely that ‘grabbing pussy’ unprompted does not equate to being sexually attractive to women.

“His calculations also fail to take into account the ‘bullshitter coefficient’, whereby people who constantly talk about sex in crude terms usually aren’t getting any.”

Trump is now trying to prove he is better than Mozart by writing a symphony entitled Lock Up That Clinton Bitch in E Minor on a child’s Bontempi organ.