Awful man likes to keep in shape 'for sex'

A COMPLETELY awful man likes to tell people that his frequent visits to the gym make him better at sex.

Appalling narcissist Martin Bishop is delighted to have found a way to show off about his physical fitness and sexual prowess simultaneously.

Sales executive Bishop said: “I told everyone at work that ‘pumping iron’ keeps me in great shape for a different kind of ‘pumping’. They were so impressed they went completely silent.

“My regime of weights, distance running and high-intensity interval training means I can hammer away at vaginas for hours. I’m exactly the sort of virile yet sensitive lover the ladies are gagging for.

“Yes, I do frequently talk about my amazing sexual stamina but it’s not showing off. I’m just highlighting the benefits of exercise and doing my bit for the national obesity epidemic.”

Co-worker Tom Logan said: “It’s horrible when Martin tells you about his marathon sex sessions and all the athletic positions he can do, particularly if you’re eating a sausage roll.

“I don’t care if doing 100 squat thrusts a day has given him ‘incredible erectile strength’. No one needs to know that.”

Bishop is currently single after telling his girlfriend that a romantic weekend in the Cotswolds was “a better cardio workout than two days of Tough Mudder training”.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Britain marks Epiphany with weekend of Christmas dregs

BRITAIN is celebrating the day Christ was revealed as God incarnate by consuming a bottle of Bailey’s, some manky chocolates and a recording of Judi Dench: A Passion for Trees.

Norman Steele, from Rutland, said: “Epiphany is a busy day. There’s so much shit that needs to be eaten up and then the Christmas tree needs to be tossed into the street.

“In the New Testament Jesus compels us to ‘finish off the ham’, so it’s one more weekend of self-loathing over-consumption.”

The country is expected to consume 19 million still-in-date mince pies, 25 million pigs-in-blankets that are probably fine and a wide variety of liquers which will be mixed together in the hope of spectacular hallucinations.

On Sunday night Britain will complete its Epiphany celebration in the traditional way by eating 36 million boxes of Matchmakers while watching a David Attenborough programme about a massive fish.