Patriotic ant snubbed at Queen’s birthday picnic

AN ANT who fervently supports the monarchy was disgusted by his treatment at the Queen’s picnic lunch, he has revealed.

Insect Roy Hobbs was made to feel unwelcome throughout the 90th birthday celebration, culminating in him being physically assaulted when he attempted to eat a slice of cake.

Hobbs said: “I’d gone along expecting a lovely day out, but I noticed a hostile atmosphere the moment I climbed onto a picnic table waving a microscopic Union Jack I’d made myself.

“People started sighing and moving food out of my reach. One woman even said ‘Are there any more of them?’. I just didn’t expect a group of elderly patriots to be so bigoted.

“Things really turned nasty when I climbed onto a slice of Victoria sponge – which was clearly for public consumption – and someone flicked me right in the thorax.

“I was thrown through the air and landed on the pavement. I could easily have been killed if it wasn’t for my miniscule weight and tough exoskeleton.

“Her Majesty would be mortified if she knew how a loyal insect was treated. I’ve written to the palace so with a bit of luck she’ll invite me over to walk in a bowl of sugar.”

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Farage cackling maniacally in front of bonfire

NIGEL Farage has been laughing maniacally in front of an enormous fire for the last 18 hours.

After confirming his hope that the Pound becomes worthless after Brexit, the bulbous UKIP leader started giggling uncontrollably and has shown no sign of stopping.

A UKIP spokesman said: “We waved a pint of bitter under his nose but he just carried on staring into the depths of the inferno, mirthlessly tittering as the flames danced in the inky voids of his eyes.”

Meanwhile, Farage’s neighbours have complained to the council about the fact their dogs are continually howling at the sound of him but have been told that bone-chilling laughter is not a statutory noise nuisance.

The spokesman added: “Eventually we just threw a blanket over his head, like you do to make your budgie sleep. But he’s still cackling away.”