THE UN has officially categorised pollen as a bioweapon which it is illegal to develop, produce, stockpile or acquire.
Disarmament chief Professor Helen Archer said: “The devastation that pollen can wreak on human beings, from runny noses to red eyes to itchy tongues, is what the Biological Weapons Convention was written for.
“Every year, trees, grasses and crops that hate us produce tonnes of the stuff, polluting the environment and sparking a surge of interest in bollocks cures like ‘have you tried eating local honey?’
“We can’t reason with nature. Enough is enough. As another season of pollen begins the only answer is to contain it and destroy those that produce it for the betterment of all mankind.
“Over the next few months, a UN peacekeeping force armed with flamethrowers will be acting globally to burn out every pollen-producing organism they can find. By next year the threat will be entirely eliminated.
“How would flowers like it if we spaffed in their eyes and mouth? Not very much.”
Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “I think we owe it to ourselves to consider the alternative perspective, which is that hayfever sufferers are weak and should be culled like badgers.”
