ADULT magazines used to be a common sight in Britain’s bushes, but they’re just one part of the country’s nature that is in crisis. Along with these.
Traditional picturesque flytipping
Illegally dumped furniture used to be a common sight in this once beautiful country. Tourists would travel from all over to marvel at a Parkinson Cowan gas cooker idly strewn in a layby, or torn, yellowing mattresses rolling across the Yorkshire Dales. Sadly, this quintessentially British spectacle is on the decline thanks to lazy twats sticking ‘free, please take’ signs to their unwanted goods and leaving them on front garden walls. Sadiq Khan is surely somehow to blame.
Porn mags in bushes
The internet has robbed teenagers of what used to be the biggest joy of adolescence: stumbling across sun-faded scraps of pornography fluttering on the branches of a bush. Where’s the fun in having endless filth at the tap of a button when they could be making do with the crumpled remains of a used Razzle? As well as being character building, foraging for smut outdoors is also a good survival skill and should be taught at the Scouts.
Fields free from the scourge of rewilding
Allowing the foliage in a nature reserve to get overgrown is one thing, but rewilding has been adopted by local councils who can’t be arsed to maintain their green spaces. Who cares if a field could support greater biodiversity? They only exist so kids can play football. In an ideal world every field would be tarmacked over before badgers and ferrets move in.
The dulcet tones of foxes shagging
The number of foxes in urban areas is on the decline, meaning the nation’s streets may lose the rich harmonies of their mating calls for good. Their frantic cries of passion used to piss you off when you were trying to sleep, but just like pigeon warbles you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Listening to their yelps on YouTube just isn’t the same and will seriously mess up your recommended videos.
Parks covered in dog poo
You’ve probably heard your dad wax lyrical about the mythical white dog poo of the 70s and 80s, and you yourself can recall the not-to-distant past when you couldn’t visit the swings without getting shit on your shoe. Nowadays, everyone is much more considerate around the foul excrement their dog produces, and bags it before hanging it on a bush instead. They genuinely think they’re being thoughtful, but they’re actually just being massive bellends.
