MALE prisoners are to return to the predatory sexual hell of communal showers, in a bid to help the government reduce CO2.
Home Office figures show rising carbon emissions being matched by falling rapes since shower rooms were abolished five years ago.
Home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "By allowing prisoners to wash themselves in privacy we risk handing the next generation a burnt-out shell of a planet.
"For the sake of our children it is time to reinstate the ancient British tradition of shower-time sodomy."
She added: "We're also looking at a system of carbon offsetting whereby a prisoner can have a private shower at the weekend as long as he agrees to be buggered on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays."
There was a mixed reaction within the prison system with some inmates suggesting that showering alone was usually more convenient than being set upon by a gang of sex starved maniacs.
Wayne Hayes, a fine defaulter from Reading, said: "To be honest, I think I'll probably just get some extra deodorant and wash my hair in the sink."
But Roy Hobbs, the recently appointed Mr Big at Belmarsh, stressed: "When I say drop the soap, you drop the soap. Do you understand me boy?"