Rain dampens spirits

CLAIMS that rain wouldn’t dampen spirits at Glastonbury and Wimbledon this weekend have been proved wrong.

Attendees of the outdoor events, which are only held in the summer in the vain hope that it might not be pissing down, confirmed that the weather had a hugely negative effect.

Susan Traherne of Sheffield said: “The BBC filmed me saying ‘The rain won’t stop us having a good time!’.

“But that’s just something you say, isn’t it, because in reality everyone hates being wet.

“I do hope the performers in the John Peel tent know we were only in there for shelter. I’d hate them to think they were actually any good.”

Julian Cook, who visited Wimbledon, said: “It takes more than a few drops of rain to spoil my weekend!

“It takes, in fact, all the tennis matches I’d paid a great deal of money to see being cancelled because of that same rain. That spoiled my weekend good and fucking proper.”

Psychologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Rain ruins everything.

“But without it we wouldn’t be able to enjoy sitting indoors ruefully shaking our heads at anyone unwise enough to be out in it.

“That wouldn’t be a Britain worth living in.”

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All Christmas leave already booked

YOU cannot have any time off at Christmas because everyone else has already booked theirs, it has emerged.

Both weeks, from Monday December 22 to Friday January 2, are completely full and there are already people on the standby list in front of you.

Joanna Kramer of Coventry said: “I can’t believe this has happened again.

“We’re six months away from Christmas. I mentioned it as a joke – as a joke – to Nathalie in marketing and she just looked at the floor.

“These people are mental.”

Senior manager Norman Steele said: “If Joanna really cared about spending the festive season with her family, she wouldn’t let this happen every year.

“It’s not as if the date of Christmas changes, and the leave book is open all year. Personally I make sure to book in no later than the end of February.”

The situation is likely to resolve itself in early December, when half the leave is suddenly cancelled by panicky co-workers desperate for an excuse not to spend six days with their extended families.