Rising Sea Levels To Reach Ronnie Corbett

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.

The previous worst-case scenario involved melted glaciers lapping around the chin of Taxi star Danny DeVito.

Now climate scientists are warning that humanity is facing the loss of not only DeVito, but Holland, Norwich and a couple of thousand half-naked Samoans, as well as the golf-loving Scottish comedian and his beloved chair-based anecdotes.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The planet is now so toasty we will almost certainly lose an entire generation of stars under 5' 6"

"Joe Pesci – gone. Dustin Hoffman – gone. That bloke who played the angry dwarf in Lord of the Rings – gone."

Last year the Jaws and Close Encounters star Richard Dreyfuss paid $2 million for a pair of titanium stilts while members of Jockey Club are to stage an all-Jockey version of Bugsy Malone in a bid to raise enough money to build tree houses for them and their tiny families.

Meanwhile the Institute has published a revised sea-level scale, starting with Kenny Baker, the little man inside R2D2, and rising through DeVito, Corbett, Tom Cruise and the average Welshman.

Professor Brubaker added: "Unfortuntely Mel Gibson should still be able to breathe, though his nipples will get thoroughly drenched."

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Society Of The Future May Be Forced To Eat Food

THE people of the future may be forced to eat real food instead of pills, scientists have claimed.

Experts have changed their predictions after new research showed that seeking essential nutrients from a little plastic bottle full of shiny capsules may not be entirely good for you.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We always assumed the best way to absorb healthy vitamins and minerals was by guzzling little tablets, manufactured by the billion in Taiwan.

"They were made with succulent, natural ingredients such as polyethylene glycol, sodium lauryl sulfate  and chlorophyll.

"Then the whole delicious concoction was given a special coating of something called 'shellac'. If you're the nautical type, you'll know this as 'boat varnish'.

"But, sure enough, you do a little bit of research and whaddya know? It kills you."

Dr Hayes said the jet-pack wearing consumers of the future will now be forced to find time in their superfast, digitally-enhanced schedules to eat cumbersome, gas-powered fruits and vegetables.

He added: "We will now have to design food that looks adequately futuristic. Who's up for a chrome-plated tomato or a banana that plays films?"