Rutland, and other British counties that can't be real because you've never been there

WHERE the f**k is Rutland? And who has ever heard of Denbighshire? You’ve never been to these places, so they must be made up.


Wedged between the Forest of Dean and Shropshire, Herefordshire is something of a mystery. Is it England or Wales? Who knows, or cares? You probably went to university with somebody from there who never returned, and now lives in London where they can have access to things like culture and foreigners.


There’s a mystery bit of the UK, north of London and west of Coventry, that nobody really goes to unless they have the misfortune to live there. It is here that Rutland lies. You haven’t heard of it, let alone visited it, and that is absolutely fine, given the only thing it has going for it is a massive wetland nature reserve. It only got a McDonalds in 2020, which tells you everything you need to know.


Has the name ‘Denbighshire’ ever entered your consciousness in all the years you’ve been alive? No? Well, you’re not alone. This allegedly real place is a county in Wales and its only claim to fame is that it is home to Rhyl, Britain’s shittest seaside town. Don’t bother visiting. You’ll only regret it.


You have heard of Lincolnshire, but if someone put a gun to your head and told you to find it on a map, you wouldn’t be able to. However, you could find Skegness, which is Lincolnshire’s most famous town, but mostly for being synonymous with terrible holidays at Butlins. They should just cut around the county line and push Lincolnshire out into the North Sea. Nobody would miss it.


Is Cumberland a county or a unitary authority? Nobody seems sure, as they’ve been fannying around calling it different things on and off for years. It’s somewhere in the north, but all anybody thinks about when they hear the name is sausages. Big, curly sausages. Is that something to be proud of? Unfortunately, it’s all they’ve got.


This strange word with its excessive consonants will confound your mind until you realise it’s in Scotland, and then it all starts to make sense. Though geographically close to England, ‘Clacks’, as they call it, feels culturally very far away, and you know you’d feel more at home in Uzbekistan than somewhere with such a bizarre name. Not that it matters, you’re never going to go there.

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Britain enters recession it's been in for ages

BRITAIN has officially entered the recession that it has been in for at least two f**king years, figures have shown.

Confirmation that the UK’s economy is shrinking has prompted Britons to ask where economists have been since 2022, and if it was hiding in a wardrobe with their fingers in their ears and their heads up their arses.

Nathan Muir of Wellingborough said: “Wow, really? Nobody has any cash and everything’s getting worse? Good thing you told me, I’d never have known otherwise.

“This is like a middle-aged man officially admitting that his hair’s receding when it’s been perfectly obvious to every prick around him for years. Still, well done for noticing.

“I wonder if this is linked to soaring crime, the huge rise in homelessness, working families using food banks, and rampant inflation. I’d better wait for you to issue a statement, rather than hazarding an uninformed guess.

“Seems to me that we’ve been up shit creek since Truss put us there with an economic programme of batshit lunacy that jacked up my mortgage by £400 a month, but apparently we’ve only just arrived. So it gets worse from here, does it?”

Eleanor Shaw, aged 42, said: “I did wonder why I wasn’t spending anything. It’s a relief to know it’s because I’ve got no money.”