Six things you can do today that will make f**k all difference to climate change

CHINA’S burning coal faster than its children can sew on sequins, Bitcoin’s gobbling up electricity faster than a fan heater in a damp bedsit, and the bloke up the road’s just bought a three-litre BMW SUV. 

But if you’re determined to make a futile attempt to combat climate change on your own, try these:

Stop flying
Yes, because you know what they’ll do if you give up your week in Malta? They’ll go ahead and cancel the entire flight and the cabin crew will all go out and plant trees instead.

Buy a reusable coffee cup
Buy a reusable coffee cup, leave it at home for three weeks, remember it once, find out it dripped all over your work laptop in your bag, put it on top of the cupboard to collect dust.

Give up meat
It’s definitely the right thing to do. And fish, and if you can manage it dairy. But it does tend to lead to a diet dependent on polytunnels overheating in already baking countries who then fly their goods to you.

Ride a bike to work
There’s nothing like the smug nod at 25 miles an hour between you and your fellow cyclists. You may as well keep going. It’s not like you’re holding up traffic.

Replace your fridge with an energy efficient one
Because your lovely old fridge is now going to live on a farm.

Tell people loudly you are doing all of the above
By earnestly telling everybody what you personally are doing to make a difference, you will accelerate the apocalypse as they do the exact opposite out of spite. Well played.

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BBC unveils post-Brexit Top Gear line-up

THE BBC has revealed its post-Brexit Top Gear presenters chosen deliberately to horrify and alienate viewers around the world. 

The motoring show, once one of BBC Worldwide’s most popular, has chosen parochial Northerners Paddy McGuinness and Freddy Flintoff to give foreigners a two-fingered salute they will not even understand.

McGuinness, whose very name is a witless pub bore’s parody of Irishness, said: “Foreigners? What do they know about cars?

“We’ll be driving vintage Rovers, Morgans, Triumphs and the classic Austin Allegro around the highways and byways of Worksop, Doncaster and Filey, remarking on how only a fool would ever leave these blessed shores.

“Occasionally we’ll review a Maserati, crash it, and walk away telling its Italian owner that he can bugger himself with a brush if he wants paying for it. Not our problem.

“The show’s going right back to the casual misogyny and xenophobia that made it such a success, and getting right rid of all these Yanks and Germans that’ve been cluttering it up.

“And if all that doesn’t make the foreigns turn off, we’ll get Freddie to talk about cricket.”