Snow leopards everywhere

SNOW leopards are probably in your house right now, according to wildlife experts.

The snow leopard’s spotted white pelt makes it perfectly adapted for thriving in a range of habitats, from the Siberian steppes to right behind your bathroom door.

Its stealthy nature also makes it one of the world’s deadliest predators, allowing it to hide within striking distance of its prey, including sheep, hares, rodents, and you.

Snow leopard expert Joanna Kramer said: “The destruction of its natural habitat has seen more and more snow leopards moving into new territories, such as your kitchen, your sofa, and your airing cupboard, where they lie in wait for the perfect moment to leap out and maul you.

“It is statistically likely that at least one snow leopard is in the same room as you this very moment, perhaps concealed against your curtains or rug.

“If you stumble across one while dusting or vacuuming, do not attempt to resist it, as it can overpower you easily and attempting to fight back will only prolong your suffering.”

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Fifa to monetize hooliganism

FOOTBALL violence has been repackaged by Fifa as an essential part of the game that fans must pay for, it has emerged.

After Leeds and Frankfurt fans clashed in Austria, the earning potential of soccer violence has led football’s governing body to soften its stance on mindless tribal thuggery.

A spokesman said: “Extra matches are being scheduled between clubs with a reputation for violence. This week’s clash between Red Star Belgrade and Millwall should be gripping, even if the football is dreadful.”

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “It’s never too early to introduce kids to the magic of hooliganism, so I’ve bought one of the new family membership tickets for the Chelsea Headhunters.

“We’re all going to Italy for the Juventus match, which will be educational too because we’ll probably smash up a cathedral afterwards.”