PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what in the name of fuck has happened to all the grit.
As grit supplies ran low, leading to thousands of car crashes, motorists said that if there is one thing you would think the council could not fuck up, it would be making sure there’s enough grit.
Experts claim the shortage has been caused by climate change, childhood obesity, or possibly the influx of unskilled, non-EU immigrants.
A spokesman for Hertfordshire County Council said: “I have seen some rather fat, hungry looking children hanging around the depot.
“And let’s not forget that one of the most devastating effects of climate change is to make council officials forget to order more grit.
“But no, on second thoughts you’re right, it’s probably all that immigration.”
The grit shortage has also presented Britain’s newspapers with their most irresistible metaphor since that big, stinking cloud wafted across the Channel from Brussels in 2007.
Melanie Phillips, writing in the Daily Mail, said: “As if it was not already obvious, modern Britain has no grit.
“The arctic weather has exposed not only our lack of grit, but also, and in a very real sense, our lack of grit.
“DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M SAYING?”
