Squirrel cull part of clampdown on big penis animals

GREY squirrels are to be culled as part of a wider campaign against species with very large penises.

A government spokesman said: “A male grey squirrel’s junk is about 56 per cent of his body weight.

“As well as being threatening, this is lewd and gives children nightmares, especially as squirrels look like angry rat-human hybrids.”

He added: “Other big penis animals on our extermination list include whales, big dogs and pigs, which have little girth but terrifying amounts of length.

“We want a world with no noticeable animal penis by 2084.”

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2015 already written off

THE current year has been abandoned as a waste of everyone’s time after just five days.

Forget it

2015, which everyone had high hopes for as recently as Friday, has already been irrevocably soured by everything from overdraft charges to broken taps to that dick Jeremy at work.

Librarian Stephen Malley said: “This year was going to be the fresh start I needed to turn things around.

“But then on Saturday someone left a dent in my car door in Tesco’s car park, and now 2015 is dead to me.

“Forget all those resolutions. For the next 350 days, I’m just killing time.”

Joanna Kramer of Shrewsbury said: “A new year dawned full of optimism, all the mistakes of the old one washed away.

“Then I went to work and the same old twats were babbling about Broadchurch, and it became clear it was already too late.”

This year’s persistence of optimism is the longest since 2004, where hope continued until January 8th when Francesca Johnson of Nottingham stubbed her toe.