THE BBC has issued an amber Children In Need warning across BBC1 and Radio 2 beginning this morning and running until 10pm tonight. 

Anyone covered by the affected areas has been advised that conditions of charitable giving will begin gathering strength in early afternoon and persist well past the time you will normally be drunk.

Forecaster Francesca Johnson said: “The good news is if you’re on BBC 2, Radio 4 or 6Music you’ll barely be affected. Perhaps you’ll suffer a few congratulatory messages to Sara Cox.

“But anyone on BBC1 or Radio 2 – middle England – is in the very eye of Storm Pudsey. There are Apprentice, Strictly and Gladiators specials, all with kids, and the Children in Need choir performing Coldplay’s Yellow.

“That’s fronted by presenters including Big Zuu, Paddy McGuiness, Vernon Kay and Rochelle Humes, so the elderly will be particularly vulnerable. The risk of a live music performance by Lewis Capaldi is high.

“Some viewers will be deluged with a month’s sentimentality in a single evening. But remember, it will pass and television you actually enjoy will be back by Saturday.”

Julian Cook of Bermondsey said: “I would happily give a tenner if it would make it go away.”