Stupid arse fly can't get out of wide-open patio door

A FLY is somehow trapped in the living room of a house despite being guided towards an open patio door.

The bluebottle’s plans to buzz around in front of Homes Under the Hammer for a bit were thwarted when he realised he had no idea how to fly out of the house the way he came in.

Fly Stephen Malley said: “I can buzz around the edge of the frame no problem, but it is impossible to get out.  It’s hard than that really hard quiz show with Victoria Coren.

“Windows are the same. I can fly in them, around them but I cannot for the life of me get out.

“It doesn’t help that there’s someone hassling me with rolled-up Metro. I am trying to work out what’s glass and what’s air here! Give me some space, for Christ’s sake.

“I may as well stay here now and see how much that two-bed semi in Kent is worth.”

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Mums will defend threatened M&S stores 'to the death'

MUMS have formed a militia to defend their favourite branches of Marks & Spencer by any means necessary, they have confirmed.

As the UK retailer announces that it may be closing 100 shops, mothers who rely on easy access to sensible sandals and big pants that hold in wobbly bits have declared that they are ready to fight back.

Mum-of-three Carolyn Ryan, 56, said: “They took Maplin from our husbands and now their spirits have been crushed because they can no longer spend hours shopping for weird cables.

“We can’t let the same happen to us. Highly trained rebel groups are poised to enter at-risk branches posing as nice ladies looking for toilet pedestal mats, before pulling AK-47s from their jute tote bags and claiming the stores as their own.

“Being the sort of matronly types who tut disapprovingly when someone gets slapped on Eastenders, we’d rather do it without resorting to violence. However, we’re prepared for a few lives to be lost if it means we aren’t forced to buy our clothes from George at Asda.”

She added: “They may take our lives but they’ll never take our cotton blend textured cardigans.”