The Greenpeace guide to making a great point in the worst way possible

AS A Greenpeace activist I’m saving the earth any way I can, even if that means crashing into France vs Germany like a reckless wanker. Here’s how you can undermine your arguments: 

Interrupt a sporting fixture

It’s been a very long year and Euro 2020 is offering a bit of light relief, so why not ruin everyone’s fun by dropping in on a paraglider? Even if you floated by and showered the crowd with 100 Euro notes the crowd would chant for you to piss off.

Get the timing wrong

Just like comedy, it’s all about timing. If, say, you drifted down into an international football game too early you could easily be edited out of the broadcast and nobody would give a shit about your anti-Volkswagen protest. I learnt this the hard way.

Injure innocent people

Everyone’s aware that sucking oil out of the ground is bad, so think outside the box if you want them to treat you with contempt. Getting tangled in camera wires and hospitalising innocent people ought to do it, although dooming the environment in the process.

Invite cries of hypocrisy

Using double standards scuppers even the most morally upstanding of stunts. In my experience, protesting against oil while flying a contraption that armchair critics will believe is fuelled by petrol will take out your statement at the knees. Like rocking up at an anti-capitalist rally in a gold limo.

F**k up every stage of your delivery

If you make one or two errors you might be able to brush them under the carpet, so make sure your worthy argument is a total clusterf**k from top to bottom. I suggest botching your original idea, hastily resorting to a disastrous Plan B, then needlessly putting lives at risk. On the other hand the French bombed Rainbow Warrior so they’re still the twats here.

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The six twats that love to sit in your train carriage

EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys: 

The Loud

Original, and best. Whether they’re playing red-hot tracks through a Bluetooth speaker, taking smarmy work calls with a dull-as-f**k colleague, or simply watching anime on their phone, you’ll enjoy every word, bassline or foreign language.

The Drunk

Appears in several incarnations: stag do, hen do, football twats, festival returnees – the form is constantly being reinvented, like Doctor Who. There’s only one time it’s acceptable to be drunk on a train, when it’s you, but the drunk will remind you what a unique gift pissed-up company is.

The Eaters

Just as The Loud delight your ears, The Eaters assault your sense of smell. With a rustle of a packet your commute’s spiced up with the smell of fast food from a range of the nearest-the-station outlets, saved exclusively for trains where the windows don’t open. Because you love the stench of onion rings that much.

The Couples

Couples in love love to travel together and to share their love with you, a stranger who’s joined them at the table seat they were hoping to keep for themselves. From snogging to a passive-aggressive argument about why he’s so friendly to her mate Georgia, they’re there to prove they care.

The Equipped

Luggage comes in all shapes and sizes. Whether suitcases, mountain bikes, a guitar or a vintage grandfather clock, the Equipped have put it in your very seat. It will be indignantly moved but every bruise and every sly glare you receive will linger for months to come.

The Friendly

These passengers know that there’s nothing worse than a train carriage filled with nothing but silence and fresh, cool air. They know you’re crying out for someone to sit opposite you spontaneously imparting an extended history of their life and loves. Make sure to give them your mobile number!