Wednesday, 28th October 2020

The melodramatic tw*t's guide to rain

IS THE bad weather only happening to you? Does everyone else need to hear your wild overreactions to heavy rain? Try these: 

Act as if getting a bit wet could kill you

Treat the shortest trip outdoors as a race against time to get home before pneumonia sets in. Insist family members change out of wet clothes immediately, as if they’ve been in the North Sea, not walking the dog in Crewe.

Form an office Apocalypse Committee

Despite zero risk of flooding in your area, demand to know what your company is doing to protect staff. Don’t worry about looking like a dick – that was established beyond doubt last month when you asked about suicide bomber attacks.

Be alert and spring into action

The nanosecond you notice raindrops, sprint to get your washing in as if snatching a child from the path of a lorry. If you’re in the garden, bundle everyone indoors in a panic as if an air raid sirens are sounding.

Set up flood defences

Buy some cheap buckets and dot them strategically around your house. Lean a spade by the front door for unspecified purposes. This will achieve nothing in a real flood but it’s not worth filling 50 sandbags for your flood disaster live-action roleplay.

Buy a boat

Not a proper one, especially if you live somewhere awful and landlocked like Derby. A Lidl dinghy is more than adequate for fantasies about saving attractive neighbours and leaving the ones you’re always collecting parcels for to drown.

Draw up an emergency plan

It’s fun to stockpile food and imagine society is going to break down, and if you’re short of time you can just rejig your ‘heatwave’, ‘Brexit’ or ‘virus that turns people psycho’ emergency plan.