The melodramatic tw*t's guide to rain

IS THE bad weather only happening to you? Does everyone else need to hear your wild overreactions to heavy rain? Try these: 

Act as if getting a bit wet could kill you

Treat the shortest trip outdoors as a race against time to get home before pneumonia sets in. Insist family members change out of wet clothes immediately, as if they’ve been in the North Sea, not walking the dog in Crewe.

Form an office Apocalypse Committee

Despite zero risk of flooding in your area, demand to know what your company is doing to protect staff. Don’t worry about looking like a dick – that was established beyond doubt last month when you asked about suicide bomber attacks.

Be alert and spring into action

The nanosecond you notice raindrops, sprint to get your washing in as if snatching a child from the path of a lorry. If you’re in the garden, bundle everyone indoors in a panic as if an air raid sirens are sounding.

Set up flood defences

Buy some cheap buckets and dot them strategically around your house. Lean a spade by the front door for unspecified purposes. This will achieve nothing in a real flood but it’s not worth filling 50 sandbags for your flood disaster live-action roleplay.

Buy a boat

Not a proper one, especially if you live somewhere awful and landlocked like Derby. A Lidl dinghy is more than adequate for fantasies about saving attractive neighbours and leaving the ones you’re always collecting parcels for to drown.

Draw up an emergency plan

It’s fun to stockpile food and imagine society is going to break down, and if you’re short of time you can just rejig your ‘heatwave’, ‘Brexit’ or ‘virus that turns people psycho’ emergency plan.

Six ways to patronise people giving up smoking

ARE you an interfering sod who’s never seriously smoked who nonetheless offers advice to anyone trying to give up? Try these words of wisdom: 

‘My advice is don’t start in the first place’

Unless proffered along with a workable time machine, this is in fact not advice but congratulating yourself for not doing something ages ago. What next, bigging yourself up for not doing Geography A-level?

‘Someone I know gave up just like that’

Mention a smoker who gave up completely with no gum, patches or relapses. It’s even better if the anecdote isn’t actually verified in any way.

‘You’ll put on weight’

Remind the ex-smoker about the negative health consequences of their decision, ideally just after a rundown of the health risks of smoking. Also remind them their nasal hair will go out of control.

‘Vaping could have dangerous’

Subtly push fact-free claims that vaping is fatal. If challenged, say ‘the science isn’t in’ and talk ominously about ‘chemicals’. Never admit that you don’t like it because it looks common.

‘Think how much you’ll save’

With fags costing £9 each these days, smokers may already have the teeniest inkling it’s expensive. And it’s weird to encourage someone by saying ‘Not only will you not die, you can afford a new PlayStation.’

‘Mmm… I’d still ask your doctor for some tests’

There’s nothing more effective than telling someone they’ve probably got cancer to stop them reaching for a stress-relieving fag.