Man off sick considering a wank

A MAN who is ill in bed and feeling miserable is wondering whether a wank might help.

Tom Booker, who has called in sick with a pouring nose, agonising sore throat, chills and shivers, is considering having a quick one off the wrist and then another Lemsip.

He said: “Uurgh. I feel like death. But I am lying here in bed with nobody about and the iPad handy and the tissues just there.

“It’s purely for medicinal purposes. Reinvigorating. It’s not like I’m going to enjoy it when I feel this rough.

“Might not even bother with porn. Just remembering better times, when I was capable of strenuous physical love without coughing up mucus, will get me there.

“I don’t feel I have a choice really. I owe it to my family and my employers to try everything I can to beat this thing.”

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The pros and cons of getting a facial tattoo

TATTOOS are great and nobody ever regrets them, so why not get one done where everyone can see it? Good idea? Bad idea? Check out the pros and cons: 


* People who don’t remember faces will always remember yours

* Great reason to grow a beard

* Handily cuts down on possible dating pools

* Distracts from a weak chin

* You’ll never be misidentified as a serious criminal during an identity parade mix-up

* Makes all the rest of your tattoos look like a really good idea in comparison

* Provides the perfect foundation for a rap, rap-metal or cage-fighting career

* Gives you something new to focus self-loathing on when looking in the mirror

* Kids love them

* So painful


* Expensive, though that’s scarcely a concern when doing something so steadfastly insane

* It will get punched

* Everyone on your prison wing will disdain you for being a ‘try-hard’

* You’ll never be able to talk to other people with facial tattoos because of an unspoken rivalry, and those guys are so interesting

* No-one will ever employ you in your whole life

* Both unpopular with juries and more likely to face trial by jury

* You’ll regret it when you’re 60, and when you’re 40, and when you’re 20, and tomorrow and every day after

* Rough as f*ck