This is all Greta Thunberg's fault, grumbles Britain

THE people of Britain are blaming the heatwave on Greta Thunberg because she told them it would happen.

With temperatures set to hit 40 degrees, the nation’s ire has turned to the diminutive Swedish teen who single-handedly brought the heatwave about by predicting it.

Julian Cook of Highgate said: “So she’s come out, said it’s going to happen, and now it has suddenly she’s busy at school up where it’s cool and Nordic? Bunking off her responsibilities once again?

“It’s all very well giving impassioned speeches about the fiery catastrophe the planet is hurtling towards, but now she’s left us clearing up her mess. When historians look back on this time they’ll take a very dim view of her.”

Sales assistant Charlotte Phelps said: “Swanning around on racing yachts alerting people to the very real and deadly side effects of climate change was irritating then. But it seems bloody irresponsible now.

“Anything she does now will be too little too late. She had her chance to save the world and she f**ked it. Didn’t anyone tell her there’s no planet B? Nice one, Greta. I hope you’re proud.”

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Dogs announce plan to not move at all

THE nation’s dogs have unveiled their plan to get through this heatwave by not moving from one spot throughout. 

Dog have confirmed that advice about closing curtains in the day and opening windows at night does not apply to them, and they will instead manage the heat as best they can by lying completely still in doorways.

Springer spaniel Chilli said: “Don’t f**k with us about this. Don’t go sending us outside or throwing balls or any of that shit.

“It’s too hot, we’re covered in hair, our only method of losing heat is having our tongues out, however bad this is for you it’s worse for us. So go along with it.

“Yes, we look like we’re either about to die or already dead. Don’t bother us with your concern. Moving at this point could be terminal.

“Leave your dog undisturbed, go about your business, food in the evening as usual. Now leave me the f**k alone. It’s hot.”