'This old thing?' says woman about £300 dress bought yesterday

A WOMAN complimented on her £300 sundress has modestly pretended it is no more than a soiled rag she unearthed from the bottom of a bin. 

Hannah Tomlinson bought the brand new LK Bennett dress after seeing it on the Duchess of Cambridge, but is now committed to casually pretending that it cost f**k all and she is not bothered.

She lied: “It’s honestly something I’ve had in the back of my wardrobe for ages. I bought it online and forgot to send it back, I think, so I might as well get a bit of wear out of it.

“I came across it while looking for paint rags and thought I might as well throw it on for the barbecue at the weekend, with my ex and his fiancée and all our most successful friends, which I didn’t think it was worth making any effort for.

“Glad you like it, but enjoy it while you can because I’ll probably bung it in a charity shop bag tomorrow. What, you think it’s flattering? Maybe I’ll hang onto it then.”

Friend Eleanor Shaw said: “We all know how much it cost. We’re all on our phones online shopping all the time. We all saw the look of blind terror on her face when a glass of red wine was knocked over ten feet away.

“But we’re required to play along with the charade and say how impressive it is that something she found crumpled behind a drawer is fabulous. so that’s exactly what we do.”

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Tits out: the positive side of climate change, by the Sun

WHAT a scorcher this unprecendented 40-degree weather Britain’s loving is? Worried about it? Consider the upsides, explains the Sun: 

Tits out

As Britain heats the beaches of Bournemouth and Blackpool  will go all European, with sexy birds whipping off bikini tops and going boobs out. No man can argue that global warming is bad when it means you get to see norks on a more regular basis.

Beers in the park

Ever wished those two months of drinking Carlsberg in the local park in summer could last forever? Now that we’ll be hitting the mid-30s in March, we can hit the cans night after blistering night. They’re recyclable, so the wokies can’t complain.

Beaches for everyone

With sea levels rising, soon even shitholes like the Midlands will have their own beach, complete with banana boats and fit surfer birds. Imagine getting off at Birmingham New Street and diving into the crystal clear waters of what used to be big Primark.

No need for coats

Layering up is what nanny-state liberals do. With skyrocketing temperatures there’ll be no more cloakroom charge because we’ll all be out on the town in T-shirts and shorts, like revellers in Marbella and Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

No polar bears

Tree-huggers pretend these lads are all cuddly but you wouldn’t want to run into one in a pub toilet. It’s one less predator to worry about and one less animal you and your mates need to argue about whether you could beat in hand-to-hand combat.

F**k Europe

Brexit isn’t done yet. Not while we’re still dependent on the EU for our sunshine breaks. Global warming means that the furthest any Brit will have to go is the coast of their own country, where an Only Fools & Horses-themed pub serving chips is never far away.