Thrilled 'Nessie' hunters eaten by gigantic lizard

FIVE ‘Nessie hunters’ have been killed and eaten after a thrilling encounter with a giant aquatic lizard.

The huge creature emerged from the surface of Loch Ness just after 9am and moved at high speed towards a group of very excited people on the shore.

The sole eyewitness said that in less than a minute the animal, estimated to be 60ft-long, caught and devoured each of the delighted victims in its massive jaws.

Tourist Martin Bishop said: “They were cheering and whooping as its huge head powered through the water. Even when it let out a terrifying screech, they refused to run away.

“One of them was still trying to measure its teeth as he was being bitten in half.”

Julian Cook, of the Royal Zoological Society, said: “It is always best to stay at least 50ft from the shore.

“Nevertheless, it must have been amazing for them after all those years of waiting. And at least we know that the creature does have a taste for human flesh.”

A spokesman for Visit Scotland added: “Loch Ness is an exciting and mysterious place, with a unique atmosphere. And it is still safer than eating undercooked chicken.”

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Open plan restaurants ‘not delivering enough chef carnage’

CHEFS working in open plan kitchens should have more amusing painful mishaps, according to restaurant customers.

The trend for restaurants removing the wall between kitchen and diners has raised customers’ hopes of seeing angry white-clad perfectionists accidentally setting their hair on fire.

Self-styled ‘foodie’ Roy Hobbs said: “It’s boring seeing your meal being cooked if it is going well. You at least want a sous chef slicing off the tip of his thumb and yelling ‘cocksucker’ so loud all the kids in the restaurant ask what that means.

“Obviously you don’t want anything really nasty so that they have to go to hospital. Chefs are people too, plus I don’t want my dinner delayed.”

Open-plan London restaurant The Immensely Hot Grill has become the first eatery to guarantee kitchen staff will have some sort of memorable incident.

A spokesman said: “We wanted the customers to be able to smell the grilling beef and also the sous chef’s smouldering hand as he picks up a red-hot pan handle.

“We have a policy of only employing speed freaks on the edge of sanity, and our team really hates each other. Last night the chefs had a knife fight.

“Nothing serious of course, a few stitches here and there, but everyone in the restaurant was cheering and someone on TripAdvisor described it as ‘the best dining experience of my know-all life’.”