Trafalgar Square pigeons to defy smoking ban

THE famous 40-a-day pigeons of Trafalgar Square are going to ignore new laws against smoking in public.

“Giz a snout”

The fag-addicted birds are a huge tourist draw, with visitors clamouring to throw cigarettes to the pigeons, watch them light up using their hand-like claws and then smoke right down to the filter.

But proposed laws against public smoking could end the tradition of wizened birds puffing away on the steps of Trafalgar Square.

Tour guide Donna Sheridan said: “It all began in 1582, when Walter Raleigh taught a crippled pigeon to smoke a pipe for the amusement of Queen Elizabeth’s court.

“Soon every gentleman in the capital kept a ‘puff-pigeon’ and during World War Two Winston Churchill himself would bring his cigar butts down to give to the birds.

“To this day, anyone strolling into Trafalgar Square with a lit fag will be mobbed by feral pigeons.

“Which is tremendous fun and not at all horrifying.”

The Mayor of London said: “A flock of coughing birds begging for cigarettes is a bad advert for the city.

“The birds will be humanely weaned off their habit using nicotine patches, counselling sessions and hard-hitting images of pigeons smoking through holes in their throats.

“I believe that once the pigeons kick the habit their plumage will stop being a dull grey and they will unfurl magnificent colourful wings.”

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Our bad-tempered behaviour is not a cry for help, say old men

ELDERLY men have warned the public not to try making friends with them.

As it emerged that many men will spend their declining years alone, aged males confirmed that beneath their crusty, irascible exterior there was only more irascibility.

79-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “Some people seem to think that when I tell them to fuck off I actually mean ‘I crave companionship, come and have some cake’.

“What I actually mean is ‘fuck off’.

“I spent most of my middle years hiding alone in a shed. Now I’m a widower and the kids have left home I can at last come in the house, because there’s nobody else in it.”

Hobbs warned especially against anyone trying to pick him up in a minibus and take him to some kind of community centre.

“I’ve got a small hostile dog and a cupboard full of Fray Bentos pies and I am fine with that.”