Trees sinister again

TREES have reverted to being malevolent skeletal shadows looming in your peripheral vision.

So hungry

Deciduous trees including the oak, ash and willow which have been pleasantly green and friendly since the spring are now reaching out their grasping bony fingers to tap on your window in the middle of the night.

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “Their shadows loom on my bedroom wall, ominous and threatening.

“They scrape the car as I drive by, the wind in their fallen leaves whispering ‘We’ll get you next time.’

“I’m powerless to stop them, because we live in a smokeless zone.”

Maple tree Emma Bradford said: “I used to be a witch, but I had a spell cast on me by a rival witch and now only human blood can return me to my former body. Same with most trees.

“In the winter we are actually reaching for your hair and your bag when you walk by, trying to grab you and crush you with our powerful wooden limbs.

“But when the weather’s nice we just stand around looking appealing.

“We’ll be alright again by May.”


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Scotland getting pretty fed up with reality checks

SCOTLAND has had quite enough of inconvenient reality, it has been confirmed.

A happy Scottish person

The nation’s 3-1 football defeat by England comes exactly two months after a referendum victory for unionism, provoking nationalist Scots to denounce the real world and its lack of co-operation.

Bill McKay, a Scotland supporting, pro-independence voter, said: “I would have been happier not having the referendum, but instead campaigning for a ‘Yes’ vote indefinitely, sure in the knowledge that we would win an entirely hypothetical referendum.

“So when the Scottish football team has a string of good results, the last thing we should do is play England.

“Much better for Scotland to defeat other small European countries, thereby convincing ourselves that if we were ever to play England we would beat them five-nil.”

McKay set out a plan for Scotland to be ‘sort-of independent’ and for its football team to only ever play Ireland, Estonia, Slovenia and Moldova, supplemented with an occasional plucky performance against the Dutch.

He added:  “Can we please just create our own little version of reality and stick to it?

“If you think about it, there’s really no reason not to.”