UK would back full communism if it provided air conditioning

THE UK would embrace common ownership of the means of production if it meant decent air-conditioning.

Communist support has surged after it emerged that in Vietnam every building has aircon, a fridge with an ice dispenser and government-issued Soleros.

Newly converted Leninist Wayne Hayes said: “Under the dictatorship of the proletariat, ice-blended cocktails will be every citizen’s birthright and the bourgeoisie will be forced to give their handheld battery-powered fans to the working class.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, nor can you have a Nobbly Bobbly without seizing the levers of the state.”

Hayes’ boss, Helen Archer, said: “Idiocy. The invisible hand of the market will keep everyone at the right temperature to be productive without state interference.

“Shut up and drink this small cup of tepid water.”


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Davis emerges without trousers

DAVID Davis was forced to surrender his trousers during the first day of Brexit talks, it has been confirmed.

After a day of tense negotiations in Brussels, the Brexit Secretary also signed over his house and his car in exchange for an adjustable chair and a glass of tap water.

Davis said: “At one point I handed over the key card to my hotel room. Not entirely sure how that happened, truth be told.

“I anticipate round two being much better after a good night’s sleep on a bench.”

Talks began with an exchange of gifts between Davis and the EU chief negotiator, with Davis presenting Michel Barnier with a book on mountaineering and Barnier giving Davis a massive wedgie.

It its understood Davis lost the upper hand when the German negotiator stole his pen and refused to give it back until he performed the macarena in his underpants for a full five minutes.