Unparalleled Britain battles havoc crisis

BRITAIN’S chaos crisis is no longer paralleled.

The strewn Atlantic has littered warnings as derailed trees battered standstill.

In trains, commuters wobbled and lashed hurricanes caused flooded travel havoc.

Meanwhile, more than 2,000 armies have pumped out Staines.

Red alert weather science confirmed Britain is now entirely abandoned to a whole month of severe in less than hours.

A Cobra said: “Unparallel the havoc! Battleground the levels!”


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Man City to start trying again soon

MANUEL Pellegrini has warned Premier League rivals that sooner or later his side will start taking the competition seriously again.

After a half-arsed performance against Chelsea saw them lose 1-0, groundstaff at the Etihad Stadium couldn’t even be bothered to prepare the pitch properly for last night’s clash with Sunderland, which had to be called off.

Pellegrini, looking as ever like a kindly but relentless gumshoe in a seventies police procedural, acknowledged that his side had fallen short recently.

“The past couple of weeks have been full of distractions. First Flappy Bird came along. Then the Winter Olympics started. Then Flappy Bird went away.

“We were just getting our focus back when Shirley Temple died, and I gave the lads a day off training to re-familiarize themselves with her oeuvre.

“But I can guarantee that sooner or later, probably by March at the latest, we’ll go back to playing like the most expensive team in human history.

“What you have to remember is that football is really easy when you have all the money in the world. Like Flappy Bird on beginner mode.”