Spite is main reason people support Conservatives

TORY voters are motivated mostly by spite, it has been claimed.

After an elderly lady antagonised relatives by leaving £769,000 to the party, lifelong Tories confirmed that their political allegiance was based on a desire to annoy others.

Lifelong Conservative Tom Logan said: “When the Great Dominatrix died last year, I treasonously wondered why I even bother voting Tory anymore.

“They’re economically incompetent and don’t pander to my homophobia as much as I’d like.

“But I keep doing it just to piss off the lefties.”

Political sciences lecturer Eleanor Shaw said: “We vote with others in mind. Conservatives think everyone else is out to shaft them so try and shaft them first.

“Labour voters are idealists who want to believe they’re doing good without going to any effort, so they vote for anyone with an attractive set of lies.

“Lib Dem voters just want to be noticed even if the attention they get is negative, much like a small boy urinating in his pants.

“And voting UKIP is the political equivalent of asking the police to arrest you before you hurt someone.”

The Conservatives’ next election campaign will work the spite angle, with the slogan “Just To See The Look On Miliband’s Face”.


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I'm getting all edgy about this Scotland thing

Dear Holly,

I’m beginning to get all edgy about this Scottish independence thing. My cunning appeal to The British Public to phone their petulant Scotch relatives and tell them to stop their nonsense was ineffectual because no-one gives a shit. So I was thinking of challenging Alex Salmond to the ultimate neknomination: drink a yard of whisky whilst standing naked on the turrets of Edinburgh castle or give up this whole stupid crusade at once. Surely the podgy tartan fool will die trying rather than have his drinking prowess questioned? That lot are all the same. Do you agree it’s a superb plan?

David Cameron

The Centre of the Universe

Dear David,

My family and I once went to visit relatives in Scotland and so I have seen first hand the dreadful darkness that dwells in Fort William town centre. The whole place is like a dreadful parallel universe, a bit like a post-apocalypse Oxford. On the whole, the Scottish folk are pretty similar to normal people, except they look really chilly and annoyed and talk absolute gibberish in shouty voices. But you haven’t known true hardship until you’ve sat in the driving rain drinking Irn Bru and eating heavily salted chips outside the Edinburgh Woollen Mill while your granny from Glenfinnan is off buying you a hideous Arran jumper. Life up there is bleak. So very, very bleak.

Hope that helps!