Warhammer demon thing apologises for wearing fur

A CHAOS Daemon from space wargame Warhammer 40,000 has shamefacedly yielded to PETA’s request to remove fur from its armour.

The immortal fiend, who entered our galaxy from the hell-realm of the Warp to murder and lay waste to the living, has issued a full apology following pressure from the animal rights group.

It continued: “Somehow, as I was ravening across the cosmos eviscerating and mutilating any sentient being I could, I lost sight of what was important.

“I’m a role model to children, and topping my eight bladed torture-instrument limbs which support the mountain of my putrescent, acid-weeping flesh with fur shoulder-pads is unacceptable.

“I can’t apologise enough for the hurt I’ve caused, and I’ve agreed to appear in PETA’s next ad campaign under the slogan ‘I’d rather be Lawful Good than wear fur.’”

A PETA spokesman said: “Living in the grim darkness of a far future where there is only war is no excuse for making poor moral choices.”

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Local handyman forced to accept some jobs are too big or small

A LOCAL odd job man has been forced to admit that certain tasks are too big or small for him.

Despite large writing on his van that claims otherwise, handyman Julian Cook has had to accept that the size of a job would become an issue in extreme cases.

Cook said: “Last week someone rang up and asked if I would come to their garden and move a twig six inches to the left.

“I’m not sure if they were taking the piss but I was not prepared to do that.”

Cook also admitted that if he were asked to paint the inside of something massive like the CERN Large Hadron Collider he would have to refuse.

He said: “It’s just me with a stepladder really, so I probably couldn’t paint an entire particle collider, although I might be able to recommend a larger firm that could.

“This is hard stuff for me to admit, because my entire personality is based on a flexible, can-do approach to practical tasks. It’s a bit like finding out there is no God.”