Warmest winter on record still utterly horrible

BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.

Temperatures for winter 2015/16 are expected to be the highest since records began, although that is not saying much.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s still been cold enough to make getting up in the morning horrible, but without the consolation of a bright, frosty morning.

“Every day has been either grey with rain or grey without rain, apart from the last two weeks in December when there was a series of enormous storms which downed power lines and destroyed the travel infrastructure.”

Mild temperatures have also seen dazed wasps crawling groggily up curtains, stubbornly refusing to die and still ready to sting.

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “My kids were hoping for a ‘snow day’ where they got to sledge down crisp white hills.

“The nearest they got was a ‘flood day’ spent floating around the living room on a tray trying to save the guinea pig from drowning.”

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Getting thrown off plane ‘worth it to avoid stag weekend’

BEING imprisoned and heavily fined is better than going on a stag weekend, it has been claimed.

Six members of a stag party detained for fighting on the plane were “the lucky ones”, said friend Tom Logan. 

He continued: “I’m sure the lads who had a scrap on the way did so deliberately, and quite understandably, to avoid having to walk around a foreign city dressed as minions.

“At least German police are polite, unlike the ultra-competitive group of rival stags from Norwich who ran us off the track go-karting. 

“Our Bratislava hostel, where the metal bunk beds were bolted to the floor, compares badly in terms of comfort, ambience and choice of menu to Plotzensee Prison. 

“Each of us spent far more than £20,000 each on drinks, nightclub entry and lap-dances from women who loathed us with every fibre of their being. 

“And the banter. Oh God, the banter.”

Logan has advised anyone on a stag weekend to attempt to wrest the controls from their plane’s pilot rather than meekly accept their terrible fate.