Warmest winter on record still utterly horrible

BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.

Temperatures for winter 2015/16 are expected to be the highest since records began, although that is not saying much.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s still been cold enough to make getting up in the morning horrible, but without the consolation of a bright, frosty morning.

“Every day has been either grey with rain or grey without rain, apart from the last two weeks in December when there was a series of enormous storms which downed power lines and destroyed the travel infrastructure.”

Mild temperatures have also seen dazed wasps crawling groggily up curtains, stubbornly refusing to die and still ready to sting.

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “My kids were hoping for a ‘snow day’ where they got to sledge down crisp white hills.

“The nearest they got was a ‘flood day’ spent floating around the living room on a tray trying to save the guinea pig from drowning.”