Warmest year on record except in hearts

BRITAIN has enjoyed the warmest year for two-and-half centuries except in its inhabitants cold, hateful hearts.

Basically like John Carpenter’s The Thing

Global warming has increased the average temperature across the country, with Scotland snow-free and Buddleia blooming in Devon, but can do nothing about the infinite frozen tundra of our souls.

Helen Archer of Mansfield said: “It is very unseasonable weather, which is a shame because the only thing that gives me a warm glow is scroungers on benefits suffering in the cold.

“Without the thought of them, electricity cut off, door kicked off its hinges by a bailiff, huddled together under a blanket shivering, Christmas won’t be Christmas.”

Bus driver Norman Steele agreed: “This warm weather’s probably what’s brought all these asylum seekers over from Iran or Sri Lanka or wherever else runs a despotic regime that commits atrocities against its own citizens.

“Well, I got bullied at school and you didn’t find me running off to another country. They want to go back there and take their medicine.”

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A surfeit of carbon molecules are causing the earth’s temperature to rise, while a surfeit of envy, hatred, and jealousy are causing an empathy freeze deep inside ourselves.

“Both processes are irreversible and will lead to the extinction of humanity. Which, speaking for all those other bastards, is exactly what they deserve.”

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We just want to put you in prison, admit tax people

SENIOR tax officials have admitted that their sole agenda is to get self-employed people into prison cells.

Following criticism of unreliable tax helplines, HMRC bosses admitted it was all part of their grand plan to make you do something against the law.

A spokesman said: “If a caller gets cut off, they’re more likely to say ‘fuck it’ and just not declare the thing they were going to ask about. Then we can find out and put them in prison.

“We have a list of ten main objectives on our tax bunker wall and they are all ‘Put people in prison’.

“We’re not even that interested in tax revenue, but we love banging people up. It makes us feel like tough New York cops instead of bored bureaucrats.

“Only a fool fucks with HMRC.”

The spokesman added that if you did manage to get through when calling them, everything you say is recorded, not for training purposes but in case it is remotely suspicious.